Saturday, October 25, 2008

can't dispute the obvious

It must be time for Aunt Flo to come, as I am overemotional, and just plain tired. I will probably delete this pity party later but I am hoping I feel better after writing it out. Feel free to exit out and find something less maudlin.

I was born with an obnoxious sense of humor and what I perceive (by the looks and actions of others) an annoying personality. I remember teachers at school and at church acting very long suffering when dealing with me. There were a lot of sighs and eye rolls by adults. I honestly didn't know what I was doing wrong, as I was polite, and well behaved, I just was very dorky.

I had a lot of acquaintances in high school who thought I was very entertaining, but a lot of my closer friends seemed to tire of me quickly, and move on to other people. One who absolutely made it clear I was an annoyance was the bishop's daughter. At the time I felt she was very self righteous, and I was the recipient of many of her dismissive sniffs. Being the only two our age in the ward, we had no choice but to spend a lot of time together, and some of those activities were torture for me. She felt it was her duty (since she was so much better than me) to keep me in line.As we neared college age, we kind of came to a truce, as we had both matured.

Time went on, and I got married and started having kids, and making friends with adults. I still saw the annoyed looks, and the 'shoot! there's Pam" deer-in-the-headlights flash across their face, before being replaced by a tolerant smile and a polite greeting. Don't get me wrong, I have some true friends who never act like that. But, all this made it very hard for me to trust people with my feelings. I am tired of finding a friend, start to trust, and then see the look. I immediately back way off. Now, Bill is baffled when I tell him all this because he doesn't see it, but he does see how I am treated and it hurts him. Isn't he a great guy?? I trust him one hundred percent and I never temper myself with him. He knows me in all my obnoxious glory.

So, I have been having dreams of the Bishop's daughter and the last time we saw each other. Why it is bothering me now, I have no idea. Seven years ago, one of the guys from our seminary class passed away. He had moved from Orange County to Riverside like I had, and his funeral was held in my stake center. I went with my current Bishop and his wife. He had been Danny's scoutmaster, so we carpooled. I noticed one of the girls from my YW's sitting a few rows ahead of me and I made a note to say hi when it was over. As I walked up to her(this girl had never given me the look) she glanced up and I read a ton of emotions in her eyes, the biggest saying Oh, no. I was so surprised as we had had a lot of fun together growing up.Instead of turning around, and saving face, I said Hi. She answered with her usual cheer, but kept herself busy buckling her baby in his chair. I tried to salvage my pride by asking friendly questions like how she was, where were her and her husband living, and how cute her baby was. While we were talking, and i was planning my polite escape, the Bishop's daughter walked up. I hadn't seen her since her dad's funeral almost two years before, and thinking we were still adults, turned with a smile to acknowledge her. She turned slightly, giving all her attention to Patty, and me her back. She mentioned needing to leave quickly as her mom had the kids, but she wanted to say hi to her before she left. They hugged and then C turned and left. No hi, no eye contact, not even an 'excuse me' for interrupting us. Patty gave me an embarrassed look, and I said to heck with my pride. I quickly said goodbye, and walked away before the humiliation reached my overactive tear ducts. I found Sandy and Dave and we left.

I have tried to justify her behavior, but i can't. Was I so horrible that you can't even manage a polite hello and how are you?? I buried all this hurt and embarrassment, and wrote her out of my life. I was barely pregnant with Tyler after two years of heartache and a few ectopic pregnancies, and I concetrated on being healthy and happy for her sake.

Last year the dreams started. Why?? I keep seeing myself standing there like a ninny, and I look like I am desperate for someone to like me. I wake up with the humiliation fresh in my mind. I have been tempted to write the bishop's daughter a letter and tell her how hurt i was, and how totally innapropriate her behavior was. Then what?? Do I want an apology?? No, honestly if I never saw her again I would be happy. Who wants to subject themselves to that pain?? At this moment, I don't know what to do. But this is the frame of mind I am in with the other things that happened this week to leave me a crying mess, and wondering why I have to try so hard just to keep others from hating, or avoiding me.

I quit my job in July, and my only regret was leaving the shoemart manager behind. We had become great friends, and ate lunch together every day. We have been going to lunch two or three fridays a month, and last saturday, we set up for yesterday. I called the store, acted like a customer so they would puther on the phone, and then waited. I wanted to make surethe time and place was still good for her. She never came to the phone, so I called her cell phone. She pays by the minute, which is why I just call the store. She answered, in a rush, and said she didn't go to work, and can she call me right back on another phone?? That was yesterday at 11:00 am. I should stop waiting for the phone to ring. Bill went to TacoBell and got me a Nachos Bell grande anyway because he knew I was really looking forward to it. I was more looking forward to time with Melissa.

Add to that, I texted another friend this morning. I realized I couldn't go with the youth to the temple, and I sent her a text letting her know. They weren't relying on me to transport or anything and I didn't want them waiting for me. Normally I just call this girl, but in my sorry state I felt safer texting. I received a text back immediately asking 'Who is this??" I sent a LOL and it's Pam. Nothing. Nothing says leave me alone like not even acknowledging it. I know she is busy, and will probably have a valid excuse for not responding, but with everything else going on, I took it personally. I was already on the fence with her as she kinda ignores me at church unless we are up in YW. I get the feeling I embarrass her or something. I guess I will back way up with her and Melissa. I am running out of friends.

Friday, October 3, 2008

The dialation

Tyler had an eye appt today. Her eyes are getting worse, and it is time to patch the good eye. Her bad eye is so bad that when the dr asked her to identify the letter, she had no idea. Once he made it giant sized, she got it.... or at least close. My poor baby. The dr is worried that if they are this bad at six, what will they be like in 10 years??

They dialated her eyes, and she was immediately super sensitive to the light. I felt so bad for her. She gladly wore the paper sunglasses because they made her feel better. I thought she looked cute. I am biased though, and thinks she always looks cute.
You'll notice she has them adjusted so small that the ends poke up through her bangs.

20 years??

Really?? It doesn't feel that long. It seems just last week when Bill and I made our vows. I was 22, and ready, and Bill was 25 with a ponytail down his back. I braided it nice for the wedding. LOL. He has a lot less hair now, but he would rather we not discuss that.

Seven kids, many moves, cars, possessions, and financial hurdles later, we are still going strong. He is my best friend. How lucky I am I found him. He was raised differently, with no religious influence except his mom telling him he was Catholic. He had no idea what that was or what it meant. He smoked, drank, and dabbled in illegal substances (I, being the good Mormon girl I was had NO idea) He started coming to church when three yr old Brittany laid it on thick and told him all her friends' daddies came to church. By the time we had three kids, he was baptized, and we took four (with one in the oven) to the temple.

So, in celebration, we are headed to the Olive Garden today for lunch. A late lunch, two days late. The 1st was the actual day, but I had the three little girls til 7pm, and P til 9. So, no daycare today, but Tyler has an eye appointment. So, instead of a romantic lunch while kids are in school, we will have a late lunch after Kailey gets home. Ya make do.