Sigh

So, keeping on my diabetes meds has proven difficult. We don't have insurance on Bill and I. So, whenever I go see the dr, I pay 15.00. This is a fair price I think. They go on a sliding scale, and with Bill collecting unemployment, this is our share. But, it doesn't cover the blood tests I need to make sure the meds are helping or not. That is an additional 100.00, which is more than we have been able to come up with recently.

So, I went to the doctor a few months ago, and got quite the lecture. I tried to explain, but she wouldn't hear it. She said this was more important. Okay, which kid should miss meals so I can have a blood test?? They are already wearing ratty shoes. My boys haven't had their hair cut in months, and it is embarrassing. Where am I going to squeeze money from?? We get free bread on Tuesdays to help.

Now I am low on my meds. I know the doctor will not reup my prescription without the blood work. Now what??

Oh, and to make it worse, we are putting our rent money toward Bill's insurances so that he can go to work and support his family. Keep your fingers crossed that the landlord doesn't pop a cork over it. LOL

Update

I thought it was time for an update. Bill has put in a lot of bids, and has landed a few. One is for a local college. They want part of it remodeled, and the job will take about ten weeks. This has been a major blessing. He has a few more bids out, and we are waiting to hear on them. His summer is booked, and if we could get a few jobs sooner it would be great.

He lost one bid to a friend. He now has insurances he needs to pay, and overhead, and the guy wanted him to do it for the same rate Bill charged when he was desperate. Okay, we are still desperate.But now that Bill is licensed, it is insulting to expect him to do it for what a new employee would be paid. He also was good at saying things like "Since you are right there, would you just slap some paint on that??" Again, totally insulting to minimize the amount of work painting takes. And to think, he is a bishop. I am glad Bill didn't get the job, and since he is not our bishop (but is in our stake) I hope Bill cuts off this relationship. I hate to see him taken advantage of like this.

One of the sisters at church commented that Bill was one of the first casualties of this recession, and he is coming out of it right as others are losing their jobs. She is right. Bill has been out a job for ten months now. Only Heavenly Father saw us through. We are truly blessed.

Mom is doing better. Once she let her floodgates go, she was a wreck for a few weeks. It was hard to see her so upset. She got a copy of the police report, and it was 11 page of the most graphic minute details. I wish she hadn't read it. The lady who hit Arik called her that day, and Mom told her she had read it. The lady was sad for her, and told her she was sorry she had seen it. I thought that nice. I have the room about half done. I cleaned out the books and toys and clothes. I just need to get the furniture out, steam the carpet and paint the walls, and it will be ready for Oma. Time is a precious commodity right now. Finding enough of it and a truck at the same time has proven difficult.

Tyler turned seven last week. Sigh. We had a party at the park, with cupcakes, friends and a pinata. She is still a very happy girl with a zest for life. She loves everyone and has no enemies. She is such a great kid.

A surreal experience

How often do you get to hear of a big experience in your life, from a strangers perspective, 12 years after the fact?? Hearing a story that is all too familiar, yet the details are different?? I am still processing it, and wondering at the oddity of it all.

My sister, Karen, met and married a control freak, drug using con man when she was 20. She had already had Vanessa by this point, and went on to have four more by the time V was 5 1/2. Mike was abusive to the kids, and by the time they had three or four kids, he was full time on drugs, and not working. Her ward stepped up and made sure the kids got to church, and they had food. Karen ended up working full time to support them all, including his habit.

My mom and I tried to help Karen escape, but you can't help someone who can't or won't help themselves. We stood by while she spiraled down and self destructed. Then we stepped in and I took custody of Mikey, then 7 and Andrew, 5. Mom took Vanessa, 8, Jonathon, 4 and Emily, 3.

We had the kids for a year before Karen got them back. In that time she got rid of Mike, got her self an apt for her and the kids, and started a new life. The kids are now 20, 19, 17, 16, and 14.

Meanwhile, Back at the ranch. I have lived in this ward for ten years. THe boundaries have changed a few times, the name has changed, and last year the stake was revamped and 1/3 of the bulging neighboring stake was now part of our stake. We ended up with half of another ward to really boost our numbers. If my sister still lived over in that little house, she would be in my ward now.

Last night we had a presidency meeting. I am the only member from the former ward in YW, and have made great friends with the gals from the new ward/stake. Girls camp last year really helped us get closer. As I sat down, one of the girls asked me about my sister's last name. It is a unique name, and I was rather stunned when she said it. She went on to tell me that not only had she been in the ward at that time, she had also worked at the kids school. She said those kids made such an impression on her because it was her first experience knowing abused kids. She told me things I had no idea about. Things Mike did at church to show everyone he was in control of the kids. Things the kids told her on one of the many times she gave them a ride. And how she was the one who Mikey confided in that last day, when CPS ripped them out of the school and called me to come get them. By the time she finished, we were both teary eyed for the lost childhoods of these kids. I thanked her for being there, for loving my extended children, for being a guardian angel to kids who really needed her. Ihave often wondered about hte woman who did so much for the kids that they told me they referred to her as an auntie, and she has often wondered what happened after that fateful call.

So, Mom's bishop called me to talk to me. LOL. My own bishop still has no idea about any of this, and he is too busy for me to be bugging him. My mom was so upset that she printed out the letter and took it to him. He counselled her to throw it away, and with it, all the hurt, and anger over her accusations. So, she did. He then counselled me to do the same, and not give her the satisfaction of getting to me. I took his advice, and I feel much better.

She rarely enters my thoughts, where the day after, I was angry all day. I just feel pity for her. Barbara, you were right, she isn't going to get away with it, so why should I worry??

I am going out to Mom's next week to begin dismantling Arik's room. Mom has been trying to figure out for a year where to put Oma. Monica and Lexi have the third bedroom, and Mom can't afford for her to move out right now(even though making the money she does, and never paying mom what she owes, and expecting mom to buy diapers and Lexi's favorite foods isn't helping Mom financially).Oma is getting, at 92, to the point where it is hard on her to live alone. This has been an answer to that. Not the answer anyone wanted, but an answer.

I think it will take three days. One to go thru his stuff and give to DI and cousins who may want stuff. The second to load furniture, and the third to paint and steam clean the carpet. Then we need new curtains, and it is ready for Oma.

So, Brittany did make it home. We had a wonderful BBQ, with burgers (her favorite), dogs, and chicken thighs marinated in soy sauce and 7up. I can hope most of the sugar went up in the smoke we so generously shared with the cranky ladies. It was nice to see her, and the kids were stunned when she just opened the door and walked in. We had told them we had a Valentine surprise for them, and they were guessing silly stuff. The chocolate cake with pink sprinkles?? Dad showered?? When she walked in, and the kids about cried, it was worth the stress trying to keep the secret, and the anger when she promised us 10 am and it was almost 2 when she actually showed. But we had a nice day. Ty didn't come, he went to his aunt's house instead. I am thinking he is afraid of us, even though I try so hard to make him feel welcome.

Cory finally passed Brittany in height. She is 6' exactly, and he is 6'2. LOL. She was always the tallest kid her age. I called her my giraffe, because she is mostly legs and neck. But if you notice, Kailey is not that far behind her.

I had to change my user name on the message boards I frequent. I have been on one board for about 4 years now, and these women have become very good friends. They were there for me when all Cory's mess happened, when Brittany left, and when Arik passed last month. On this board I posted Arik's eulogy, and from that, with the help of Google and the library's computer, my sister, Debbie, posted the nastiest post I have ever seen. She wrote the post to me, but it was my mom she was talking to. In her drunken stupor she may have gotten confused, even with my name at the bottom in 4" glittery red letters. She babbled on about how she wished we would have called and told her Arik was having problems, because she or any one of his sibling would have gladly taken him in and given the unconditional love he so needed. Yeah, that's why you never called on his birthdays, never called just to see how he was, and in fact was deemed unfit by the state of CA and your rights terminated in his FIRST YEAR of life. If you ever did call the house, it was to talk to DAd about sending you more money on the sly, since the witch of a woman who raised you, and was now raising your son, didn't feel it was right to pull from their SS to pay for your drugs, alcohol, or put money on your books in jail. How selfish of Mom. How many times did Dad say "You haven't even asked about Arik yet" I heard him a few times myself. There was no way you were interested in his life, and if the truth were told if Dad had asked you to take him, you would have had 101 excuses why you couldn't. For you to now feel justified in hurting Mom when she is deeply grieving a little boy she hoped would come back to her is evil, and beyond forgivable. His pedi, and school counselor both agreed that his anger issues, and his confusion were linked to the drugs in utero. So actually Mom was just trying to help him deal with the cards you dealt him. If his blood is on anyones hands, it is yours. And if you ever contact me again with your claptrap, I will verbally let you have it. You were given the gift of a wonderful mother when you were seven, and you spit in her face. You never let her get close to you, or to Patty. All this is on you, and you leave me and my mother alone.

I guess I was more upset than I realized. Now I am crying again. How can anyone use someones grief against them, just to make themselves feel better. I actually feel hate for my own sister. She has lung cancer, and I in my upset and hurt state, do not care. I need to go see the bishop, for I am not worthy of holding a calling right now. Forgiveness for this level of hurt will be hard

Don't want to get my hopes too high yet

Brittany has had it in Colorado. Her job that she has had for a month still has not paid her. There is something fishy there, as they were investigating, and then said it was basically her fault since her name is not on the apt lease where they are living. So, what does that have to do with the price of tea in China?? She is frustrated because they haven't had enough money to cover their bills, and buy food, and their hosts are getting edgy and hostile. The heat went out in the apt, and the hosts hid the space heaters. Nice, huh?? She has been living on bread. I feel bad for her, but Bill and I agreed not to bail her out of anything while she on her self destructive path.

She is lonely. She knows a girl from our stake who married and moved up there and they are twenty minutes apart. But the girl works full time, and has a husband. While she loves Brittany, and they have always been good friends, she can't devote the time B needs. Other than that, she has Ty. He is working 12 hour shifts at the music store, but the money is not too great as he depends on commissions, and the economy is slushy.

She has been calling or texting me everyday for the last couple of weeks. She is still on our phone plan, so her calling is free. We decided to keep her there so we didn't lose total touch with her. It does annoy me when we call her, and Ty has taken her phone to work, and is rude to the kids because they interrupted him. He lost his phone, and since we are paying, I think he should at least be grateful he has access to one. I hate being bothered at work too, but there is a polite way to handle it and alienating the payers of one of your bills is not the way. None of the kids care for him much. He has done it to himself, by encouraging their sister to leave, and then controlling their access to her.

So, she called Monday and said Ty's dad said they could move back in with him. As soon as they have a few dollars for gas, they are headed home. I am hoping she means it this time, as the last time she got my hopes up, she decided to head to Colorado. It was all an adventure at that point, and I think the thrill has gone.

I think spending the holidays in a strange place, with strange people was hard on her. We are strange, too, but at least a familiar strange. Then not being able to come for Arik's funeral was too much. I wish I had had the money to send for her. But we didn't. It all comes down to agency and consequences. That is something she can never get back, and she will regret for a long time. I also think it was the straw that broke the camel's back.

She wanted to be independent, and be an adult. I think she realizes she went about it in the wrong way. I think she has gained some experience points in the game of life.

Much better

I am feeling much better. I still get teary occasionally, but it isn't that bone crushing pain anymore. How grateful I am for my knowledge of the gospel, and knowing that he is no longer in pain. I took a personal weekend last week, just to wallow, with the determination that Monday, I would jump back into life. And all week I have been okay. Not great, but getting thru.

Chandler is still sleeping on our floor each night. He is terrified he is dying. How do you convince an over anxious child that he is okay?? I got notice that our primary care pedi is no longer taking our insurance, as of 2/01, so I am waiting til Monday, and I will call the new one and have him see Chan. Maybe if a doctor tells him he is okay, he will believe it.

No daycare this week, either. The dad's dad passed so they have been in Vegas all week. So Bill and I have been kicking around like two marbles in a shoe box. We had Chan home a few days, but that didn't stop us.

As soon as we show the licensing board that we have workman's comp insurance, Bill can start working. We put in a call to Richard, Bill's numero uno nephew, and he is searching out quotes. We are going to have a lot of insurance needs really soon, so let him get his feet wet with WC. Next is Unemployment insurance and the dreaded 1,000,000 liability policy. Yikes. Rumor mill says it is 600 down and 200 a month. I worry that we are starting in such a mushy economy. But Bill's contacts still swear they have work for him.

Taxes come Friday, the sixth. With it we will get ahead on rent (the owners will have a heart attack I am sure), do a couple car repairs we have been putting off, and buy Bill a work truck. I have to have a decent car to do the school drops and pickups, so he needs his own. Adrianne goes to preschool in Norco, 7 miles away, and I refuse to walk her, even though she has asked. I told her Norco was horse country and shy of sidewalks. How would I push the stroller with Lillia and Maribella if there were no sidewalks?? This appeased her. LOL. I am so glad, as I do not want to hike that.

Off to finish dinner.

Oh, this is the last pic we have of Arik. It is Christmas Day, and he and Kailey are goofing off.