The girls and Santa

I forgot to post pics of the girls on Santa's lap the other night. Someone got smart and held a mic up to the kids so we could all hear what they asked for and Santa's reply. (That way, if they made an unwanted promise of a puppy, like a friend of mine had to deal with) the parents could quickly intervene. Or giggle at the 'You'll shoot your eye out Kid" at the 8 yr olds request of a bibi gun.

Cold and wet

It has been raining all night. A very cold rain. I have a few kids who are a bit shy in the jacket dept. Hunter's disappeared at school, and reappeared on a little girl. Hunter asked for it back and was told her mom bought it for her, but she can't remember which store or when. Luckily, it came from my mom through my brother, and she is notorious for putting names in tags. So unless her name is also Arik A, or she cut out the tag, it should be easy to reclaim. In the meantime, he wore a ratty one today.

Wednesday they are calling for highs in the 30's and possible rain/snow. Isn't frozen rain hail?? I am so snow illiterate I have no idea.

One of the pitfalls of so many kids is you never know who actually broke the mug in the sink. Instead of just cleaning it up, my kids are guilty of walking away if no one saw them. Or heard it in this case. I'd still like to know how the spaghetti sauce got on the ceiling, who threw fish gravel all over the garage, and who keeps dropping full rolls of toilet paper into the toilet. You'd think the novelty of watching it swell to three times its original size would wear off eventually. Oh, and whoever has my other croc, please give it back.

Brittany made it to Colorado. I hope she finds what she is desperately looking for. We googled her address (stalker parent alert) and she lives in a nice complex. I hope whoever is supporting them this month is nice. I hope she looks up hte church.

The Christmas party on Saturday was a lot of fun for us. It was a full house. The decorations were awesome. It was an appetizer/dessert affair, which was a nice change of pace. I took a vote at home and the hooligans all wanted Gramma's pimento and cheese dip. That cheesy (pardon the pun) 70's recipe that we all laughed at while she was alive is now Bill and the kids favorite holiday treat. I think it is more a way to include Gramma, six years after she has passed, in our holiday fun. She loved Christmas, and always kept her camera handy to capture faces of wonder, and excitement,and the occasional pout and tantrum. LOL. I wonder what became of all those pictures. I shouldbe the good wife and call his sisters. hmmm. I'll sleep on it.

Speaking of sleep, I have been awake since midnight. I know noon will roll around, and I am not going to be up to a curious two yr old, a never-ending-line-of-questions four year old and an 11 month old that just wants to crawl around and chew on anything she can find, except her toys. Oh, and they are all sick, so I can expect some whininess. Yippee. LOL.

Oh, in other life altering news, Bill passed his contractors exam on the first try. Had we known ahead of time how rare that is, I might not have been so confident. LOL. Hey, his BIL and previous boss did too, and I always thought he was a nickel short of a dollar. I hope my favorite SIL doesn't read this. ROFL. Anyway, I had the utmost faith and confidence in Bill, and he did it. We celebrated by going to lunch at Taco Bell. Last of the big time spenders.

Now, Bill is legal to work. BUT, we need 150 to pay for the license,and a 250 bond. Um, where are we going to get 400 this time of year?? So, we need money so Bill can go to work and make money. Make sense?? I didn't think so either. One of the guys in the ward does contractor insurances and Bill is planning on going thru him. He wants to know about Bill's work vehicle. LOL. Well, it is black and holds all the kids, and we drive it everywhere. A work truck is on our list of necessities, but certainly not at the top. He also ran some figures and said judging by what Bill told him about his business plan, and his contacts at the hospital and county, andthe need for a crew of about four guys (plus me as bookkeeper. Isn't that a hoot?? I need to get Bookkeeping for Dummies) he can expect the company to make around 400 a year with 100-150 as profit. I about fell out of my chair. What??!! Bill agrees with him. They both act like numbers like these are totally within reason. I can dream, I guess. I can't imagine getting off unemployment, food stamps, state insurance, and flying on our own. OMStars, the thought makes me giddy. Bill has been out of work a year now. How we made it still baffles me...

But first, what child can I sell to raise the 400 dollars???

Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is over. All that is left are a few pieces of turkey, some gravy, and a slice of pie. We had a great holiday, and the days spent together relaxing were really nice.

My parents came for dinner on Thursday, and at the last minute we got Grandma too. It is Aunt Sharon's year (hmmm, I could swear she had it last year, too) but up at Aunt Sharon's house, Grandma twisted her knee. She had to come back into town to be checked on Wednesday, and Mom didn't want to make the trek back up the mountain to Anza with her. Plus, we weren't sure she wouldn't need surgery. It was great she could be here. But now, to make up for it, Aunt Sharon is taking Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. "It is only fair Linda, since you got TG" Some spirit of giving.

Cory spent the holiday with us. He is not allowed to spend Sundays with us because he innocently let slip that we want to take him to church with us. The group home he is in is run by a born again Christian operation, and I swear they are trying to save his soul. Last Christmas, his PO gave him permission to go to the ward Christmas party with us, and at the last minute the house manager rescinded it because his room was not clean enough. This is a once a year party, that he and us really look forward to. But, once it is gone,it is gone. The PO was livid, insisted on a report on why his recommendations were not followed, and generally raised a ruckus over it. I told him my theory and he blanched when he found out our religion. The county offices are very good at separating church and state. They wouldn't care if we were in a cult praising Cabbage patch dolls, as long as we were active, supportive parents. They don't see enough of those. But, they do know the house is owned and operated by a church. Supposedly the kids are allowed to follow their own religion while in the house, but every time we give Cory a Book of Mormon to read, it disappears. Oddly, his bible is still there. I can hope it is someone with a keen desire to learn more about our church, but since we have given Cory about 5 of them, I am thinking someone is intervening. they also won't let us pick him up on Sunday mornings and take him to church. They are 'too busy'. So, Cory politely goes to their church, listens to bible study(they were impressed with his bible knowledge) and waits to go to church with us again.

Meanwhile, back to TG, he and the boys went from the XBox in the bedroom, to the Wii in the living room. They were quiet all weekend LOL.

Bill has been under a lot of stress. He has put a lot of money toward his license, and is worried he won't pass the test. He paid three hundred dollars for a contractors school that guaranteed his passing his license test. His test is set for Friday, the 5th. He was supposed to go to the school all day yesterday and today. He gets down there yesterday, and the receptionist says class was cancelled and moved to Redlands. She said she called everyone with the information, and left messages on the phones she couldn't reach. Bill told her both numbers he had given had no such messages. He even called me to check my messages. So she calls the owner of the school, who apologizes, and says he will have an instructor at the location to spend one on one with Bill so he passes the test. What kind of crappy organization is this?? Keep Bill in your prayers. He is rather an extremist, and knows if he fails the test, we will be living in the Expedition. It isn't that bad, but he swears that is what will happen.

Brittany is not moving back anymore. Ty's dad lost his job and told them they needed to figure something else out. They can't stay in Flagstaff, as he makes 7 dollars an hour washing dishes, and B makes four as a waitress, two days a week. She works Tuesday and Thursday nights, and averages 10 dollars in tips a night. There is not way they can support themselves on this type of income. I am thinking Ty is hoping his music career takes off. But in the meantime, he is 23 and needs a decent job. Ty's mom and boyfriend are moving to Northern CA, and they basically were not invited to come. Bill and I knew the day would come when she would tire of supporting B. Keeping the house straightened, and making dinner occasionally does not pay the way of a healthy adult. So we bit the bullet and offered them a place here. Ty could bunk with the boys, nad she could share a room with Kailey. They declined and instead are going to Colorado to live with Ty's cousin. It is all good, as I found out some upsetting stuff soon after, and I need time to get over it, and basically forgive her. Plus, at this point, we think she needs hit bottom to realize what a mess she is in. They are living on one meal a day right now. They also can't afford the propane to heat the house, so they are hungry and cold. Gratefully, they are not expecting. At least I don't think so, as I haven't seen her since August. All I can do is pray for her, and hope she comes to her senses before it is too late.

Old age creepeth

Yeah, I am feeling it. I turned 43 on Friday. Where did the time go?? I made myself a sour cream devil's food cake, with splenda rather than sugar, and it wasn't so hot. It was flat and dry. Kind of a waste of ingredients and time. The frosting was fantastic though. LOL I admit, I took a whole piece, just to pick off the frosting.

Brittany called last night to say they aren't coming down for thanksgiving after all. Before I could get too upset she said it is because they are saving their money for a uhaul to move back here. I was so excited. I told her this had been really hard on me, even though I swore to myself I would not use guilt on her. We had promised 100.00 for gas for the TG trip, so we are hoping to come up with little more to help with the rental. I am just glad she is moving back home.

Halloween fun

We had a good time over at the ward's trunk or treat. I made a crock o' chili, and my family proclaimed it delicious. I never got it over to be judged, but oh well. We then migrated to the parking lot for the best fun of the year, according to Tyler. How nice it is to be able to sit in a chair at the car and greet all the cute kids in their costumes, and not worry about the kids safety. It was two wards combined, but I still felt totally safe letting Cameryn and Tyler go off on their own, to circle as many times as the candy held out.

The pic is Baby L in the best costume, letting us know how she feels. She came to the party last night as Tinkerbell, but i liked the cow and Harry Potter glasses better. LOL. I am sending this one to her mom. The kids all carved a pumpkin, but I didn't get any decent individual shots. The one on the bottom right is Kailey's, and she just slashed a face in it. Delilah had to check out all the pumpkins when we set it up, just in case we were in danger. She gets to Kailey's, and backed up and gave it a wide berth. Dumb dog.

Time to think about Thanksgiving already. I invited my parents (who told me Dad just wanted to sit in his chair that day) and my sister and her kids. I haven't heard back from her. It is looking like it will just be us.

can't dispute the obvious

It must be time for Aunt Flo to come, as I am overemotional, and just plain tired. I will probably delete this pity party later but I am hoping I feel better after writing it out. Feel free to exit out and find something less maudlin.

I was born with an obnoxious sense of humor and what I perceive (by the looks and actions of others) an annoying personality. I remember teachers at school and at church acting very long suffering when dealing with me. There were a lot of sighs and eye rolls by adults. I honestly didn't know what I was doing wrong, as I was polite, and well behaved, I just was very dorky.

I had a lot of acquaintances in high school who thought I was very entertaining, but a lot of my closer friends seemed to tire of me quickly, and move on to other people. One who absolutely made it clear I was an annoyance was the bishop's daughter. At the time I felt she was very self righteous, and I was the recipient of many of her dismissive sniffs. Being the only two our age in the ward, we had no choice but to spend a lot of time together, and some of those activities were torture for me. She felt it was her duty (since she was so much better than me) to keep me in line.As we neared college age, we kind of came to a truce, as we had both matured.

Time went on, and I got married and started having kids, and making friends with adults. I still saw the annoyed looks, and the 'shoot! there's Pam" deer-in-the-headlights flash across their face, before being replaced by a tolerant smile and a polite greeting. Don't get me wrong, I have some true friends who never act like that. But, all this made it very hard for me to trust people with my feelings. I am tired of finding a friend, start to trust, and then see the look. I immediately back way off. Now, Bill is baffled when I tell him all this because he doesn't see it, but he does see how I am treated and it hurts him. Isn't he a great guy?? I trust him one hundred percent and I never temper myself with him. He knows me in all my obnoxious glory.

So, I have been having dreams of the Bishop's daughter and the last time we saw each other. Why it is bothering me now, I have no idea. Seven years ago, one of the guys from our seminary class passed away. He had moved from Orange County to Riverside like I had, and his funeral was held in my stake center. I went with my current Bishop and his wife. He had been Danny's scoutmaster, so we carpooled. I noticed one of the girls from my YW's sitting a few rows ahead of me and I made a note to say hi when it was over. As I walked up to her(this girl had never given me the look) she glanced up and I read a ton of emotions in her eyes, the biggest saying Oh, no. I was so surprised as we had had a lot of fun together growing up.Instead of turning around, and saving face, I said Hi. She answered with her usual cheer, but kept herself busy buckling her baby in his chair. I tried to salvage my pride by asking friendly questions like how she was, where were her and her husband living, and how cute her baby was. While we were talking, and i was planning my polite escape, the Bishop's daughter walked up. I hadn't seen her since her dad's funeral almost two years before, and thinking we were still adults, turned with a smile to acknowledge her. She turned slightly, giving all her attention to Patty, and me her back. She mentioned needing to leave quickly as her mom had the kids, but she wanted to say hi to her before she left. They hugged and then C turned and left. No hi, no eye contact, not even an 'excuse me' for interrupting us. Patty gave me an embarrassed look, and I said to heck with my pride. I quickly said goodbye, and walked away before the humiliation reached my overactive tear ducts. I found Sandy and Dave and we left.

I have tried to justify her behavior, but i can't. Was I so horrible that you can't even manage a polite hello and how are you?? I buried all this hurt and embarrassment, and wrote her out of my life. I was barely pregnant with Tyler after two years of heartache and a few ectopic pregnancies, and I concetrated on being healthy and happy for her sake.

Last year the dreams started. Why?? I keep seeing myself standing there like a ninny, and I look like I am desperate for someone to like me. I wake up with the humiliation fresh in my mind. I have been tempted to write the bishop's daughter a letter and tell her how hurt i was, and how totally innapropriate her behavior was. Then what?? Do I want an apology?? No, honestly if I never saw her again I would be happy. Who wants to subject themselves to that pain?? At this moment, I don't know what to do. But this is the frame of mind I am in with the other things that happened this week to leave me a crying mess, and wondering why I have to try so hard just to keep others from hating, or avoiding me.

I quit my job in July, and my only regret was leaving the shoemart manager behind. We had become great friends, and ate lunch together every day. We have been going to lunch two or three fridays a month, and last saturday, we set up for yesterday. I called the store, acted like a customer so they would puther on the phone, and then waited. I wanted to make surethe time and place was still good for her. She never came to the phone, so I called her cell phone. She pays by the minute, which is why I just call the store. She answered, in a rush, and said she didn't go to work, and can she call me right back on another phone?? That was yesterday at 11:00 am. I should stop waiting for the phone to ring. Bill went to TacoBell and got me a Nachos Bell grande anyway because he knew I was really looking forward to it. I was more looking forward to time with Melissa.

Add to that, I texted another friend this morning. I realized I couldn't go with the youth to the temple, and I sent her a text letting her know. They weren't relying on me to transport or anything and I didn't want them waiting for me. Normally I just call this girl, but in my sorry state I felt safer texting. I received a text back immediately asking 'Who is this??" I sent a LOL and it's Pam. Nothing. Nothing says leave me alone like not even acknowledging it. I know she is busy, and will probably have a valid excuse for not responding, but with everything else going on, I took it personally. I was already on the fence with her as she kinda ignores me at church unless we are up in YW. I get the feeling I embarrass her or something. I guess I will back way up with her and Melissa. I am running out of friends.

The dialation

Tyler had an eye appt today. Her eyes are getting worse, and it is time to patch the good eye. Her bad eye is so bad that when the dr asked her to identify the letter, she had no idea. Once he made it giant sized, she got it.... or at least close. My poor baby. The dr is worried that if they are this bad at six, what will they be like in 10 years??

They dialated her eyes, and she was immediately super sensitive to the light. I felt so bad for her. She gladly wore the paper sunglasses because they made her feel better. I thought she looked cute. I am biased though, and thinks she always looks cute.

You'll notice she has them adjusted so small that the ends poke up through her bangs.