So, Brittany did make it home. We had a wonderful BBQ, with burgers (her favorite), dogs, and chicken thighs marinated in soy sauce and 7up. I can hope most of the sugar went up in the smoke we so generously shared with the cranky ladies. It was nice to see her, and the kids were stunned when she just opened the door and walked in. We had told them we had a Valentine surprise for them, and they were guessing silly stuff. The chocolate cake with pink sprinkles?? Dad showered?? When she walked in, and the kids about cried, it was worth the stress trying to keep the secret, and the anger when she promised us 10 am and it was almost 2 when she actually showed. But we had a nice day. Ty didn't come, he went to his aunt's house instead. I am thinking he is afraid of us, even though I try so hard to make him feel welcome.

Cory finally passed Brittany in height. She is 6' exactly, and he is 6'2. LOL. She was always the tallest kid her age. I called her my giraffe, because she is mostly legs and neck. But if you notice, Kailey is not that far behind her.

I had to change my user name on the message boards I frequent. I have been on one board for about 4 years now, and these women have become very good friends. They were there for me when all Cory's mess happened, when Brittany left, and when Arik passed last month. On this board I posted Arik's eulogy, and from that, with the help of Google and the library's computer, my sister, Debbie, posted the nastiest post I have ever seen. She wrote the post to me, but it was my mom she was talking to. In her drunken stupor she may have gotten confused, even with my name at the bottom in 4" glittery red letters. She babbled on about how she wished we would have called and told her Arik was having problems, because she or any one of his sibling would have gladly taken him in and given the unconditional love he so needed. Yeah, that's why you never called on his birthdays, never called just to see how he was, and in fact was deemed unfit by the state of CA and your rights terminated in his FIRST YEAR of life. If you ever did call the house, it was to talk to DAd about sending you more money on the sly, since the witch of a woman who raised you, and was now raising your son, didn't feel it was right to pull from their SS to pay for your drugs, alcohol, or put money on your books in jail. How selfish of Mom. How many times did Dad say "You haven't even asked about Arik yet" I heard him a few times myself. There was no way you were interested in his life, and if the truth were told if Dad had asked you to take him, you would have had 101 excuses why you couldn't. For you to now feel justified in hurting Mom when she is deeply grieving a little boy she hoped would come back to her is evil, and beyond forgivable. His pedi, and school counselor both agreed that his anger issues, and his confusion were linked to the drugs in utero. So actually Mom was just trying to help him deal with the cards you dealt him. If his blood is on anyones hands, it is yours. And if you ever contact me again with your claptrap, I will verbally let you have it. You were given the gift of a wonderful mother when you were seven, and you spit in her face. You never let her get close to you, or to Patty. All this is on you, and you leave me and my mother alone.

I guess I was more upset than I realized. Now I am crying again. How can anyone use someones grief against them, just to make themselves feel better. I actually feel hate for my own sister. She has lung cancer, and I in my upset and hurt state, do not care. I need to go see the bishop, for I am not worthy of holding a calling right now. Forgiveness for this level of hurt will be hard

Don't want to get my hopes too high yet

Brittany has had it in Colorado. Her job that she has had for a month still has not paid her. There is something fishy there, as they were investigating, and then said it was basically her fault since her name is not on the apt lease where they are living. So, what does that have to do with the price of tea in China?? She is frustrated because they haven't had enough money to cover their bills, and buy food, and their hosts are getting edgy and hostile. The heat went out in the apt, and the hosts hid the space heaters. Nice, huh?? She has been living on bread. I feel bad for her, but Bill and I agreed not to bail her out of anything while she on her self destructive path.

She is lonely. She knows a girl from our stake who married and moved up there and they are twenty minutes apart. But the girl works full time, and has a husband. While she loves Brittany, and they have always been good friends, she can't devote the time B needs. Other than that, she has Ty. He is working 12 hour shifts at the music store, but the money is not too great as he depends on commissions, and the economy is slushy.

She has been calling or texting me everyday for the last couple of weeks. She is still on our phone plan, so her calling is free. We decided to keep her there so we didn't lose total touch with her. It does annoy me when we call her, and Ty has taken her phone to work, and is rude to the kids because they interrupted him. He lost his phone, and since we are paying, I think he should at least be grateful he has access to one. I hate being bothered at work too, but there is a polite way to handle it and alienating the payers of one of your bills is not the way. None of the kids care for him much. He has done it to himself, by encouraging their sister to leave, and then controlling their access to her.

So, she called Monday and said Ty's dad said they could move back in with him. As soon as they have a few dollars for gas, they are headed home. I am hoping she means it this time, as the last time she got my hopes up, she decided to head to Colorado. It was all an adventure at that point, and I think the thrill has gone.

I think spending the holidays in a strange place, with strange people was hard on her. We are strange, too, but at least a familiar strange. Then not being able to come for Arik's funeral was too much. I wish I had had the money to send for her. But we didn't. It all comes down to agency and consequences. That is something she can never get back, and she will regret for a long time. I also think it was the straw that broke the camel's back.

She wanted to be independent, and be an adult. I think she realizes she went about it in the wrong way. I think she has gained some experience points in the game of life.

Much better

I am feeling much better. I still get teary occasionally, but it isn't that bone crushing pain anymore. How grateful I am for my knowledge of the gospel, and knowing that he is no longer in pain. I took a personal weekend last week, just to wallow, with the determination that Monday, I would jump back into life. And all week I have been okay. Not great, but getting thru.

Chandler is still sleeping on our floor each night. He is terrified he is dying. How do you convince an over anxious child that he is okay?? I got notice that our primary care pedi is no longer taking our insurance, as of 2/01, so I am waiting til Monday, and I will call the new one and have him see Chan. Maybe if a doctor tells him he is okay, he will believe it.

No daycare this week, either. The dad's dad passed so they have been in Vegas all week. So Bill and I have been kicking around like two marbles in a shoe box. We had Chan home a few days, but that didn't stop us.

As soon as we show the licensing board that we have workman's comp insurance, Bill can start working. We put in a call to Richard, Bill's numero uno nephew, and he is searching out quotes. We are going to have a lot of insurance needs really soon, so let him get his feet wet with WC. Next is Unemployment insurance and the dreaded 1,000,000 liability policy. Yikes. Rumor mill says it is 600 down and 200 a month. I worry that we are starting in such a mushy economy. But Bill's contacts still swear they have work for him.

Taxes come Friday, the sixth. With it we will get ahead on rent (the owners will have a heart attack I am sure), do a couple car repairs we have been putting off, and buy Bill a work truck. I have to have a decent car to do the school drops and pickups, so he needs his own. Adrianne goes to preschool in Norco, 7 miles away, and I refuse to walk her, even though she has asked. I told her Norco was horse country and shy of sidewalks. How would I push the stroller with Lillia and Maribella if there were no sidewalks?? This appeased her. LOL. I am so glad, as I do not want to hike that.

Off to finish dinner.

Oh, this is the last pic we have of Arik. It is Christmas Day, and he and Kailey are goofing off.

I am not doing well.

The funeral was yesterday. It was a beautiful service, the chapel was packed and the overflow needed, and everything went off well. I gave the eulogy and everyone laughed in the right spots, nad were quiet appropriately. It was the worst day of my life. I am tired of the family drama. Out of twelve cousins AJ had, I only spotlighted his best buddy, my sister's son. A cousin of mine felt slighted that her daughter, a rarely seen second cousin, wasn't mentioned. Hey, I didn't mention any of my kids either....didja notice?? This was for Mom, not you. Let someone else have the spotlight this time. Same cousin horned in on the family table, too. Really. Mom and dad have three daughters and 13 grandkids. There wasn't enough room for all of us, definitely not for you.

Emotionally I am a wreck. We ran to the store to get trash bags. Ran into a girl I have always counted as a good friend. She knows what I have been thru this week, and even though I am trying to put it behind me and move on, I am still teary, and need a friend. I feel so lonely right now. She was right out rude, and really hurt me.Bill was with me, so I am not being over wrought or hysterical. He was surprised by her behavior, too.

I am thinking of staying home from church tomorrow. Except, my co teacher already told me she had a barrel race today, and wouldn't be up to teaching. Hello?? Your barrel racing is your job and your everyday life. My life has been turned upside down and shaken good.

Edited to add, Friend in grocery store had no idea. Bill had said she told someone else, who called with condolences, and he got the name wrong. Friend was embarrassed by her insensitivity. Had I not been such an emotional mush, the encounter would not have been rude at all. She said she was late to a funeral at the time, and in normal circumstances, I would have had an amused indulgence.

Full Circle.

I am glad this blog is not a real person, because I shamefully neglect it. Then when I need it, I come looking for the release and the solace it brings me to type out all my woes. IF this were a real person, he/she would have kicked me to the curb long ago.

Thursday was a big day for me. Cameryn turned 10!! I have a bad habit of thinking of her and Tyler as 'the babies'. With Tyler almost seven, it no longer applies to either of them. 10 years ago she made her weak entrance into the world. How devastated we were to learn how ill she was. Her lungs collapsed shortly after birth due to the very hard, long labor I had with her. She was finally delivered emergency C section, just in time. Her heart had stopped a few times, and the doctor could not be found.

11 days in the NICU, and we brought her home. To see her today you would never know she had such a rough start. Her birthday dinner was tomato soup with Ritz crackers, grilled cheese (with real cheddar) and cheesecake.

On a different note that day, my 15 year old brother was hit by a car and killed.

Let me back up and give a little history. My dad married my mom in January of 65. He brought his two daughters, Debbie and Patty to the union. Their mom had decided that being a mom was not for her and she split. Debbie and Patty had a tough life, made tougher by the fact they wouldn't let my mom (I was born in Nov. of 65) be their mom. They grew up and were very unhappy, and both ran off by the age of 14, and had their first babies at 16. Debbie had John and my parents took him in when he was 6 weeks old. He was now our brother. I was nine and Karen seven when he came. Debbie and Patty had been gone a while by this point, and i was used to being the oldest. Two years later, when she was 16, Patty had Monica, and disappeared in the night when she was three days old. So, my parents raised her, too.

I was told they were my brother and sister, and that is how I have always thought of them.

Debbie went on to have three more kids, nad Patty one, and all ended up being raised by assorted family members, or foster families.

One day in 1993, Karen called me in a panic. A social worker out of LA called her and Debbie had had another baby (the youngest of Debbie's was 11 by this point). The SW told Karen since she had Debbie's other two boys, and she is next of kin, she was bringing the baby out, and didn't give Karen a say. Karen had four kids of her own, plus was expecting #5, and Fernando and Adam. There was no way she could take a sickly (He was born with drugs in his system, and an STD) baby. I had three kids myself, but I had a three bedroom house. I rushed over there to meet the sw and bring AJ home with me.The social worker said Debbie had named him Angel Jr. I could not see calling a baby after his drug addled, gang banger father, so I called him AJ. I asked for financial help since Kailey was eight months old, and now I had two babies in diapers and formula. THe SW told me I was family and it was my responsibility to provide for him. It broke my heart when he was five months old to call her back and have her come get him because I just couldn't afford it. I have often wondered if his life would have been different if I had stuck it out. But we were sinking, and I couldn't see taking him down with us.

Patty then took him, since Debbie's rights had been terminated. I thought this odd at the time since she had lost her second daughter to the system, and she had been adopted out. And they gave her this baby?? When he was three, Debbie had him again, and was living on the street. The social worker found him starving, and sickly, and them in an alley. She called us again, and my mom felt prompted to quit her job and stay home and raise him. My parents adopted him at four and he was no longer my nephew, but had been promoted to brother. He was, age wise, right in the middle of his twelve cousins.

We had found out later that the social worker had lied. Debbie did not name the baby. Debbie called at some point and asked my parents why I had named him after Angel. So, since he was so used to AJ, my mom named him Arik James at the time of hte adoption. Kind of a nordic spelling for a dark hispanic kid. LOL.

AJ was always a confused, and angry kid. I blame the drugs in utero for his unhappiness. In the last year he had run away often, and was repeating a lot of the same mistakes made by Debbie. In October, my mom's bishop stepped in and offered to give him a home. By this time he had an arrest record. One more, and juvie was in his future. Christmas morning, he dropped Arik off bag and baggage. He apologized to my mom for his thinking that he could do more than she could, and left him. My mom was apprehensive that he would behave and stick around. He took off immediately, and was in and out of the house all thru January. On Thursday, he was supposed to be home by 5:00. Mom went to bed, and the cops knocked on the door about midnight.

Arik (He went to Arik when Monica married a man named AJ. Too confusing.) and two friends decided to cross the freeway at 10pm. The other boys turned back, and Arik kept going and was hit. There were no skid marks, which means the lady who hit him had not seen him in time to brake. In his black jeans and hoodie, with the hood on his head, he was virtually invisible to traffic. My heart goes out to this poor woman who has to deal with his dumb and selfish behavior the rest of her life.

So now we are planning a funeral for a boy who had potential to be a great man. The pain just must have been too much.

My kids are terribly upset. Hunter and Chandler are joining Cory and Karen's three boys to be the pallbearers. I am in charge of the program, and all the music. Brittany is in Colorado, and can't make it down.

Bill has come full circle, as he blessed AJ when he was four, confirmed him a member, ordained him a deacon, and a teacher, and will now dedicate his grave.

The girls and Santa

I forgot to post pics of the girls on Santa's lap the other night. Someone got smart and held a mic up to the kids so we could all hear what they asked for and Santa's reply. (That way, if they made an unwanted promise of a puppy, like a friend of mine had to deal with) the parents could quickly intervene. Or giggle at the 'You'll shoot your eye out Kid" at the 8 yr olds request of a bibi gun.

Cold and wet

It has been raining all night. A very cold rain. I have a few kids who are a bit shy in the jacket dept. Hunter's disappeared at school, and reappeared on a little girl. Hunter asked for it back and was told her mom bought it for her, but she can't remember which store or when. Luckily, it came from my mom through my brother, and she is notorious for putting names in tags. So unless her name is also Arik A, or she cut out the tag, it should be easy to reclaim. In the meantime, he wore a ratty one today.

Wednesday they are calling for highs in the 30's and possible rain/snow. Isn't frozen rain hail?? I am so snow illiterate I have no idea.

One of the pitfalls of so many kids is you never know who actually broke the mug in the sink. Instead of just cleaning it up, my kids are guilty of walking away if no one saw them. Or heard it in this case. I'd still like to know how the spaghetti sauce got on the ceiling, who threw fish gravel all over the garage, and who keeps dropping full rolls of toilet paper into the toilet. You'd think the novelty of watching it swell to three times its original size would wear off eventually. Oh, and whoever has my other croc, please give it back.

Brittany made it to Colorado. I hope she finds what she is desperately looking for. We googled her address (stalker parent alert) and she lives in a nice complex. I hope whoever is supporting them this month is nice. I hope she looks up hte church.

The Christmas party on Saturday was a lot of fun for us. It was a full house. The decorations were awesome. It was an appetizer/dessert affair, which was a nice change of pace. I took a vote at home and the hooligans all wanted Gramma's pimento and cheese dip. That cheesy (pardon the pun) 70's recipe that we all laughed at while she was alive is now Bill and the kids favorite holiday treat. I think it is more a way to include Gramma, six years after she has passed, in our holiday fun. She loved Christmas, and always kept her camera handy to capture faces of wonder, and excitement,and the occasional pout and tantrum. LOL. I wonder what became of all those pictures. I shouldbe the good wife and call his sisters. hmmm. I'll sleep on it.

Speaking of sleep, I have been awake since midnight. I know noon will roll around, and I am not going to be up to a curious two yr old, a never-ending-line-of-questions four year old and an 11 month old that just wants to crawl around and chew on anything she can find, except her toys. Oh, and they are all sick, so I can expect some whininess. Yippee. LOL.

Oh, in other life altering news, Bill passed his contractors exam on the first try. Had we known ahead of time how rare that is, I might not have been so confident. LOL. Hey, his BIL and previous boss did too, and I always thought he was a nickel short of a dollar. I hope my favorite SIL doesn't read this. ROFL. Anyway, I had the utmost faith and confidence in Bill, and he did it. We celebrated by going to lunch at Taco Bell. Last of the big time spenders.

Now, Bill is legal to work. BUT, we need 150 to pay for the license,and a 250 bond. Um, where are we going to get 400 this time of year?? So, we need money so Bill can go to work and make money. Make sense?? I didn't think so either. One of the guys in the ward does contractor insurances and Bill is planning on going thru him. He wants to know about Bill's work vehicle. LOL. Well, it is black and holds all the kids, and we drive it everywhere. A work truck is on our list of necessities, but certainly not at the top. He also ran some figures and said judging by what Bill told him about his business plan, and his contacts at the hospital and county, andthe need for a crew of about four guys (plus me as bookkeeper. Isn't that a hoot?? I need to get Bookkeeping for Dummies) he can expect the company to make around 400 a year with 100-150 as profit. I about fell out of my chair. What??!! Bill agrees with him. They both act like numbers like these are totally within reason. I can dream, I guess. I can't imagine getting off unemployment, food stamps, state insurance, and flying on our own. OMStars, the thought makes me giddy. Bill has been out of work a year now. How we made it still baffles me...

But first, what child can I sell to raise the 400 dollars???