I am not doing well.

The funeral was yesterday. It was a beautiful service, the chapel was packed and the overflow needed, and everything went off well. I gave the eulogy and everyone laughed in the right spots, nad were quiet appropriately. It was the worst day of my life. I am tired of the family drama. Out of twelve cousins AJ had, I only spotlighted his best buddy, my sister's son. A cousin of mine felt slighted that her daughter, a rarely seen second cousin, wasn't mentioned. Hey, I didn't mention any of my kids either....didja notice?? This was for Mom, not you. Let someone else have the spotlight this time. Same cousin horned in on the family table, too. Really. Mom and dad have three daughters and 13 grandkids. There wasn't enough room for all of us, definitely not for you.

Emotionally I am a wreck. We ran to the store to get trash bags. Ran into a girl I have always counted as a good friend. She knows what I have been thru this week, and even though I am trying to put it behind me and move on, I am still teary, and need a friend. I feel so lonely right now. She was right out rude, and really hurt me.Bill was with me, so I am not being over wrought or hysterical. He was surprised by her behavior, too.

I am thinking of staying home from church tomorrow. Except, my co teacher already told me she had a barrel race today, and wouldn't be up to teaching. Hello?? Your barrel racing is your job and your everyday life. My life has been turned upside down and shaken good.

Edited to add, Friend in grocery store had no idea. Bill had said she told someone else, who called with condolences, and he got the name wrong. Friend was embarrassed by her insensitivity. Had I not been such an emotional mush, the encounter would not have been rude at all. She said she was late to a funeral at the time, and in normal circumstances, I would have had an amused indulgence.

Full Circle.

I am glad this blog is not a real person, because I shamefully neglect it. Then when I need it, I come looking for the release and the solace it brings me to type out all my woes. IF this were a real person, he/she would have kicked me to the curb long ago.

Thursday was a big day for me. Cameryn turned 10!! I have a bad habit of thinking of her and Tyler as 'the babies'. With Tyler almost seven, it no longer applies to either of them. 10 years ago she made her weak entrance into the world. How devastated we were to learn how ill she was. Her lungs collapsed shortly after birth due to the very hard, long labor I had with her. She was finally delivered emergency C section, just in time. Her heart had stopped a few times, and the doctor could not be found.

11 days in the NICU, and we brought her home. To see her today you would never know she had such a rough start. Her birthday dinner was tomato soup with Ritz crackers, grilled cheese (with real cheddar) and cheesecake.

On a different note that day, my 15 year old brother was hit by a car and killed.

Let me back up and give a little history. My dad married my mom in January of 65. He brought his two daughters, Debbie and Patty to the union. Their mom had decided that being a mom was not for her and she split. Debbie and Patty had a tough life, made tougher by the fact they wouldn't let my mom (I was born in Nov. of 65) be their mom. They grew up and were very unhappy, and both ran off by the age of 14, and had their first babies at 16. Debbie had John and my parents took him in when he was 6 weeks old. He was now our brother. I was nine and Karen seven when he came. Debbie and Patty had been gone a while by this point, and i was used to being the oldest. Two years later, when she was 16, Patty had Monica, and disappeared in the night when she was three days old. So, my parents raised her, too.

I was told they were my brother and sister, and that is how I have always thought of them.

Debbie went on to have three more kids, nad Patty one, and all ended up being raised by assorted family members, or foster families.

One day in 1993, Karen called me in a panic. A social worker out of LA called her and Debbie had had another baby (the youngest of Debbie's was 11 by this point). The SW told Karen since she had Debbie's other two boys, and she is next of kin, she was bringing the baby out, and didn't give Karen a say. Karen had four kids of her own, plus was expecting #5, and Fernando and Adam. There was no way she could take a sickly (He was born with drugs in his system, and an STD) baby. I had three kids myself, but I had a three bedroom house. I rushed over there to meet the sw and bring AJ home with me.The social worker said Debbie had named him Angel Jr. I could not see calling a baby after his drug addled, gang banger father, so I called him AJ. I asked for financial help since Kailey was eight months old, and now I had two babies in diapers and formula. THe SW told me I was family and it was my responsibility to provide for him. It broke my heart when he was five months old to call her back and have her come get him because I just couldn't afford it. I have often wondered if his life would have been different if I had stuck it out. But we were sinking, and I couldn't see taking him down with us.

Patty then took him, since Debbie's rights had been terminated. I thought this odd at the time since she had lost her second daughter to the system, and she had been adopted out. And they gave her this baby?? When he was three, Debbie had him again, and was living on the street. The social worker found him starving, and sickly, and them in an alley. She called us again, and my mom felt prompted to quit her job and stay home and raise him. My parents adopted him at four and he was no longer my nephew, but had been promoted to brother. He was, age wise, right in the middle of his twelve cousins.

We had found out later that the social worker had lied. Debbie did not name the baby. Debbie called at some point and asked my parents why I had named him after Angel. So, since he was so used to AJ, my mom named him Arik James at the time of hte adoption. Kind of a nordic spelling for a dark hispanic kid. LOL.

AJ was always a confused, and angry kid. I blame the drugs in utero for his unhappiness. In the last year he had run away often, and was repeating a lot of the same mistakes made by Debbie. In October, my mom's bishop stepped in and offered to give him a home. By this time he had an arrest record. One more, and juvie was in his future. Christmas morning, he dropped Arik off bag and baggage. He apologized to my mom for his thinking that he could do more than she could, and left him. My mom was apprehensive that he would behave and stick around. He took off immediately, and was in and out of the house all thru January. On Thursday, he was supposed to be home by 5:00. Mom went to bed, and the cops knocked on the door about midnight.

Arik (He went to Arik when Monica married a man named AJ. Too confusing.) and two friends decided to cross the freeway at 10pm. The other boys turned back, and Arik kept going and was hit. There were no skid marks, which means the lady who hit him had not seen him in time to brake. In his black jeans and hoodie, with the hood on his head, he was virtually invisible to traffic. My heart goes out to this poor woman who has to deal with his dumb and selfish behavior the rest of her life.

So now we are planning a funeral for a boy who had potential to be a great man. The pain just must have been too much.

My kids are terribly upset. Hunter and Chandler are joining Cory and Karen's three boys to be the pallbearers. I am in charge of the program, and all the music. Brittany is in Colorado, and can't make it down.

Bill has come full circle, as he blessed AJ when he was four, confirmed him a member, ordained him a deacon, and a teacher, and will now dedicate his grave.

The girls and Santa

I forgot to post pics of the girls on Santa's lap the other night. Someone got smart and held a mic up to the kids so we could all hear what they asked for and Santa's reply. (That way, if they made an unwanted promise of a puppy, like a friend of mine had to deal with) the parents could quickly intervene. Or giggle at the 'You'll shoot your eye out Kid" at the 8 yr olds request of a bibi gun.

Cold and wet

It has been raining all night. A very cold rain. I have a few kids who are a bit shy in the jacket dept. Hunter's disappeared at school, and reappeared on a little girl. Hunter asked for it back and was told her mom bought it for her, but she can't remember which store or when. Luckily, it came from my mom through my brother, and she is notorious for putting names in tags. So unless her name is also Arik A, or she cut out the tag, it should be easy to reclaim. In the meantime, he wore a ratty one today.

Wednesday they are calling for highs in the 30's and possible rain/snow. Isn't frozen rain hail?? I am so snow illiterate I have no idea.

One of the pitfalls of so many kids is you never know who actually broke the mug in the sink. Instead of just cleaning it up, my kids are guilty of walking away if no one saw them. Or heard it in this case. I'd still like to know how the spaghetti sauce got on the ceiling, who threw fish gravel all over the garage, and who keeps dropping full rolls of toilet paper into the toilet. You'd think the novelty of watching it swell to three times its original size would wear off eventually. Oh, and whoever has my other croc, please give it back.

Brittany made it to Colorado. I hope she finds what she is desperately looking for. We googled her address (stalker parent alert) and she lives in a nice complex. I hope whoever is supporting them this month is nice. I hope she looks up hte church.

The Christmas party on Saturday was a lot of fun for us. It was a full house. The decorations were awesome. It was an appetizer/dessert affair, which was a nice change of pace. I took a vote at home and the hooligans all wanted Gramma's pimento and cheese dip. That cheesy (pardon the pun) 70's recipe that we all laughed at while she was alive is now Bill and the kids favorite holiday treat. I think it is more a way to include Gramma, six years after she has passed, in our holiday fun. She loved Christmas, and always kept her camera handy to capture faces of wonder, and excitement,and the occasional pout and tantrum. LOL. I wonder what became of all those pictures. I shouldbe the good wife and call his sisters. hmmm. I'll sleep on it.

Speaking of sleep, I have been awake since midnight. I know noon will roll around, and I am not going to be up to a curious two yr old, a never-ending-line-of-questions four year old and an 11 month old that just wants to crawl around and chew on anything she can find, except her toys. Oh, and they are all sick, so I can expect some whininess. Yippee. LOL.

Oh, in other life altering news, Bill passed his contractors exam on the first try. Had we known ahead of time how rare that is, I might not have been so confident. LOL. Hey, his BIL and previous boss did too, and I always thought he was a nickel short of a dollar. I hope my favorite SIL doesn't read this. ROFL. Anyway, I had the utmost faith and confidence in Bill, and he did it. We celebrated by going to lunch at Taco Bell. Last of the big time spenders.

Now, Bill is legal to work. BUT, we need 150 to pay for the license,and a 250 bond. Um, where are we going to get 400 this time of year?? So, we need money so Bill can go to work and make money. Make sense?? I didn't think so either. One of the guys in the ward does contractor insurances and Bill is planning on going thru him. He wants to know about Bill's work vehicle. LOL. Well, it is black and holds all the kids, and we drive it everywhere. A work truck is on our list of necessities, but certainly not at the top. He also ran some figures and said judging by what Bill told him about his business plan, and his contacts at the hospital and county, andthe need for a crew of about four guys (plus me as bookkeeper. Isn't that a hoot?? I need to get Bookkeeping for Dummies) he can expect the company to make around 400 a year with 100-150 as profit. I about fell out of my chair. What??!! Bill agrees with him. They both act like numbers like these are totally within reason. I can dream, I guess. I can't imagine getting off unemployment, food stamps, state insurance, and flying on our own. OMStars, the thought makes me giddy. Bill has been out of work a year now. How we made it still baffles me...

But first, what child can I sell to raise the 400 dollars???

Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is over. All that is left are a few pieces of turkey, some gravy, and a slice of pie. We had a great holiday, and the days spent together relaxing were really nice.

My parents came for dinner on Thursday, and at the last minute we got Grandma too. It is Aunt Sharon's year (hmmm, I could swear she had it last year, too) but up at Aunt Sharon's house, Grandma twisted her knee. She had to come back into town to be checked on Wednesday, and Mom didn't want to make the trek back up the mountain to Anza with her. Plus, we weren't sure she wouldn't need surgery. It was great she could be here. But now, to make up for it, Aunt Sharon is taking Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. "It is only fair Linda, since you got TG" Some spirit of giving.

Cory spent the holiday with us. He is not allowed to spend Sundays with us because he innocently let slip that we want to take him to church with us. The group home he is in is run by a born again Christian operation, and I swear they are trying to save his soul. Last Christmas, his PO gave him permission to go to the ward Christmas party with us, and at the last minute the house manager rescinded it because his room was not clean enough. This is a once a year party, that he and us really look forward to. But, once it is gone,it is gone. The PO was livid, insisted on a report on why his recommendations were not followed, and generally raised a ruckus over it. I told him my theory and he blanched when he found out our religion. The county offices are very good at separating church and state. They wouldn't care if we were in a cult praising Cabbage patch dolls, as long as we were active, supportive parents. They don't see enough of those. But, they do know the house is owned and operated by a church. Supposedly the kids are allowed to follow their own religion while in the house, but every time we give Cory a Book of Mormon to read, it disappears. Oddly, his bible is still there. I can hope it is someone with a keen desire to learn more about our church, but since we have given Cory about 5 of them, I am thinking someone is intervening. they also won't let us pick him up on Sunday mornings and take him to church. They are 'too busy'. So, Cory politely goes to their church, listens to bible study(they were impressed with his bible knowledge) and waits to go to church with us again.

Meanwhile, back to TG, he and the boys went from the XBox in the bedroom, to the Wii in the living room. They were quiet all weekend LOL.

Bill has been under a lot of stress. He has put a lot of money toward his license, and is worried he won't pass the test. He paid three hundred dollars for a contractors school that guaranteed his passing his license test. His test is set for Friday, the 5th. He was supposed to go to the school all day yesterday and today. He gets down there yesterday, and the receptionist says class was cancelled and moved to Redlands. She said she called everyone with the information, and left messages on the phones she couldn't reach. Bill told her both numbers he had given had no such messages. He even called me to check my messages. So she calls the owner of the school, who apologizes, and says he will have an instructor at the location to spend one on one with Bill so he passes the test. What kind of crappy organization is this?? Keep Bill in your prayers. He is rather an extremist, and knows if he fails the test, we will be living in the Expedition. It isn't that bad, but he swears that is what will happen.

Brittany is not moving back anymore. Ty's dad lost his job and told them they needed to figure something else out. They can't stay in Flagstaff, as he makes 7 dollars an hour washing dishes, and B makes four as a waitress, two days a week. She works Tuesday and Thursday nights, and averages 10 dollars in tips a night. There is not way they can support themselves on this type of income. I am thinking Ty is hoping his music career takes off. But in the meantime, he is 23 and needs a decent job. Ty's mom and boyfriend are moving to Northern CA, and they basically were not invited to come. Bill and I knew the day would come when she would tire of supporting B. Keeping the house straightened, and making dinner occasionally does not pay the way of a healthy adult. So we bit the bullet and offered them a place here. Ty could bunk with the boys, nad she could share a room with Kailey. They declined and instead are going to Colorado to live with Ty's cousin. It is all good, as I found out some upsetting stuff soon after, and I need time to get over it, and basically forgive her. Plus, at this point, we think she needs hit bottom to realize what a mess she is in. They are living on one meal a day right now. They also can't afford the propane to heat the house, so they are hungry and cold. Gratefully, they are not expecting. At least I don't think so, as I haven't seen her since August. All I can do is pray for her, and hope she comes to her senses before it is too late.

Old age creepeth

Yeah, I am feeling it. I turned 43 on Friday. Where did the time go?? I made myself a sour cream devil's food cake, with splenda rather than sugar, and it wasn't so hot. It was flat and dry. Kind of a waste of ingredients and time. The frosting was fantastic though. LOL I admit, I took a whole piece, just to pick off the frosting.

Brittany called last night to say they aren't coming down for thanksgiving after all. Before I could get too upset she said it is because they are saving their money for a uhaul to move back here. I was so excited. I told her this had been really hard on me, even though I swore to myself I would not use guilt on her. We had promised 100.00 for gas for the TG trip, so we are hoping to come up with little more to help with the rental. I am just glad she is moving back home.

Halloween fun

We had a good time over at the ward's trunk or treat. I made a crock o' chili, and my family proclaimed it delicious. I never got it over to be judged, but oh well. We then migrated to the parking lot for the best fun of the year, according to Tyler. How nice it is to be able to sit in a chair at the car and greet all the cute kids in their costumes, and not worry about the kids safety. It was two wards combined, but I still felt totally safe letting Cameryn and Tyler go off on their own, to circle as many times as the candy held out.

The pic is Baby L in the best costume, letting us know how she feels. She came to the party last night as Tinkerbell, but i liked the cow and Harry Potter glasses better. LOL. I am sending this one to her mom. The kids all carved a pumpkin, but I didn't get any decent individual shots. The one on the bottom right is Kailey's, and she just slashed a face in it. Delilah had to check out all the pumpkins when we set it up, just in case we were in danger. She gets to Kailey's, and backed up and gave it a wide berth. Dumb dog.

Time to think about Thanksgiving already. I invited my parents (who told me Dad just wanted to sit in his chair that day) and my sister and her kids. I haven't heard back from her. It is looking like it will just be us.